In a bookstore in Amsterdam, this book caught my eye. The title fascinated me: “Self-Compassion? Isn’t that just a fancy word for self-pity?” But when I read the back cover, I knew I was getting it. Not that I knew who the author was, but I do remember “The Horse Boy”. This is a book, but also a documentary I saw many, many years ago that had hit me hard. It is about a boy with autism and his parents, trying to find ways to connect with him. A definite must see. It is touching and humbling and deeply human. So, when I found out that the author of the book I was holding, Kristin Neff, is not only a professor in psychology in Texas, but also the mom of this boy, I bought the book on the spot.
In the English version, the subtitle reads: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. The Dutch version has “Stop condemning yourself” as a subtitle. Combine both subtitles and you have the summary of the book. In very basic vocabulary (and a bad translation), Neff explains one should be kind to oneself, like one is to a friend. Quite often, we are friendly and empathic beings to our friends, but very harsh and mean to ourselves. We are being wonderful loving parents, while being hostile and mean to ourselves. Neff describes how self-compassion is different from self-pity but also from self-appreciation. She also describes what she considers the three components of self-compassion: friendliness to oneself, the realisation that we are all human and, as such, make mistakes and last but not least, mindfulness. In the next part, she “proves the power of self-compassion” by paraphrasing her own and others’ research on self-compassion, being a key element in the combat against depressions and anxieties. She then focuses on more concrete situations in which self-compassion can be helpful: caregiving in general, parenting, love relationships and sex. Throughout the book, she describes exercises to help us on our way. She also writes about her own life, her own personal struggles and how self-compassion helped her.
Now, I am not in love with this book. Could one ever be in love with a self-help book? (If so, please let me know which one.) But the concept, however, is a revelation to me, and it does seem to help in talking back to my inner critic, whose voice is often loud, overwhelming and not very nice.
So, if you have a strong inner critic, read this book. Consider this reading tip my belated gift to you for International Women’s Day. For, though I am not claiming that men cannot suffer under their own inner critic, it does seem to be more common in women to judge and condemn themselves than in men. Or how the gender gap starts in our minds. And no, we are not to blame to think poorly of ourselves, but we do not have to continue doing it. A woman’s place is in the resistance. And we should not wait to fight the patriarchy until we have silenced our inner critic. But doing so is also a very important act of resistance that we should not skip. Both are more closely related than we think.